January 2010
28 posts
“Damals, sagte mein Bruder, sei ich vor dem Ofen gesessen und hätte in das Feuer...”
– Peter Handke (aus Die Hornissen)
“As a child I reacted to stress by developing this compulsion: I would draw an...”
– Sylvia Stone, painter/sculptor
On the Tip of My Tongue
When asked by a friend if I could even possibly know what it means to be a lesbian, I had the answer on the tip of my tongue…
If I were a lesbian I’d gnash apple seeds with my teeth and spit them out clean; when asked to tie a cherry stem with my mouth closed I’d swallow the thing and pretend to chew as the onlookers waited and waited. I’d tell them after an hour,...
Eclipsed
Reading an old journal entry, I wonder what I was *really* talking about. It seems like a person moving his mouth but nothing coming out, the twisting of silent lips as merely maudlin Morse code for then, now or later, like a person on the other side of the far shore softly waving or even drowning. In three distinct yet (I assume) somehow related parts… + Everything wanes and fades and...
Pictures Gradually on These Walls
Being an escape artist most of my life (read: escapist, too), regretfully often at the expense of others, I’ve always mapped/masked my struggles through words and pictures. No one understood, maybe not even me. I didn’t know during those times what I was really running from, just that I didn’t want to run back.
It started way before my years in Austria, but that was the time...
Motherhood - Grief & Forgiveness
Squaws with hefty papooses, kangaroo babies in their maternal pouches, me in a crib crying for breakfast, a litter of puppies with all eyes closed and pawing for the eight tit lottery, the warm milk that she promised us. I spent a lot of time this week thinking about motherhood and mothers and all those maternal issues. Names, dates and faces flooded my head - some precious in their cargo, some...
The Struggle
The other night when we were talking you said that struggling was good and I simply agreed, just nodding. I wanted to say that it comes in different degrees, maybe even in both delicate and kamikaze stages, and I understood if it lasted forever. I wanted to say it was a ladder flat on the ground, even with the heart still beating and someone standing distracted above it. I wanted to say the...
At a Rate of Hot Knots (The Heart)
Meditating on the heart, hummingbirds’ wings and how they beat or how they do not, I started thinking of that boy Icarus and his desire, how he dreamed of getting out. He tried to actually become a get-away bird and become something maybe that he was not. Eventually, his wax wings melted and then he quickly and, perhaps, fatally dropped…
at a rate of hot knots (the heart) ...
O Pious Servant, Forgive
I’m in awe of people of faith. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes bad. It’s a powerful thing no matter what form it takes, and because of that I keep a curious distance. I don’t know exactly why, so I wrote a request that I’m not quite sure will ever be heard. I tried. I’m trying.
O Pious Servant, Forgive O pious servant, keep up the perpetual sacrifice; ...
There is a System, She Says
There is a System, She Says I always hear her say it on the way to town, “Specific numbers are codes that control our lives.” I think she’s just being silly, so I say, “Whatever happened to the good old alphabet and apple pie?” We sit there, in silence; and she keeps on driving at her 48 miles per hour down Highway 160 at 7:35, thinking all about her Aunt...
Polyester Sucks (Ink on the Neck)
Occasionally I am asked about my tattoos when someone sees them for the first time; they’re usually shocked because it’s least expected, especially since I have so many odd ones here and about. I don’t mind the curious questions; it’s even been a good starting point for people who’ve become good friends. My “sleeve” and the rest are a work in progress;...
The Poultry Chase
That summer all the little blonde boys gathered around the patchy yard because Grandpa told us to; we were still dripping wet from racing through the sprinkler Grandma had set up. “We’re going to see who can get the most chickens. Just grab them by the neck, boys, and start swinging.”
I hadn’t spent a lot of time with this side of the family up until then, so I...
Homesod
And, for one final time, I came back. Homesod (Guide Me Oh Guide Me Back) I. Gift & Spit (Leaving) They gave me maps, even though they’d never been there; neither had I. They said, “A map is a map.” I told them, “No, it is not.” So, in the distinct manner of fence jumping, I bent it up like careful seed paper and determined to neglect the rind and the root....
No
I’ve been a Yes kind of person since I was a kid. Yes, I”ll do it. Yes, I did it. Yes, I’ll volunteer (since you’re asking). Yes, whatever you want. Yes. Yes. Yes. No was often hard to muster up. Yes has provided a lot of opportunities in my life. Yes has gotten me into plenty of trouble too.
In the bold, wise words of Morrissey, “No is always easier than...
Past the Thieves (Time)
Everyone loves a safe-cracker who’s nimble and quick and disappears before the delayed, quivering ache. Everyone loves a thief with gold falling out of his or her mouth with those mirroring eyes while we’re too dazed to look past the bandit’s hand holding our hand like a prayer that is more like a plea gone wrong. After all, one half is our own. They say time is a currency, and...
“Jerusalem, the only city in the world
where the right to vote is granted even...”
– Yehuda Amichai (from “Jerusalem, 1967”)
You Are Silent Now
You Are Silent Now You are silent now so that I can speak, but how your mouth quivers tells me that perhaps suddenly in mid-sentence we might kiss. Why does every story I attempt to tell always end like…